Apologies To An Editor

I feel the need to post a broad, sweeping apology to my past, present, and future editors. Why, you might ask? Editors put up with a lot. As a writer, it's easy for me to slap words together and call it a story. An editor has to take those words and make them sparkle. It's a messy, sometimes thankless process--and that's being generous. Editors have to deal with divas, whiners, and OCD authors on top of making the book beautiful. I don't envy them, but I sure do appreciate them. I'm convinced they all possess a magic wand, a thick skin, and some serious coping methods. So without further ado...

1) I'm sorry for my irritating writing habits, such as multiple instances of eyes rolling. No, not on the floor, just with attitude. I can't seem to stop with just one character. Or two. Or five. They all have to do it. I try to catch the worst of it, but the rolling eyeballs are a compulsion. Same goes for characters drinking coffee. And sitting at a table. And...sigh...you know the rest. If it helps, please know I started an Editing No-No Notebook. I might need a second one soon.

2) I'm sorry for the plot holes big enough to swallow a town of 20,000 people. It's not intentional. The holes don't exist in my head. Don't laugh--what I mean is, those plot holes don't exist in my mind as the story unfolds. There seems to be an occasional 5 second delay from my brain to my typing fingers, during which some information seems to get...um...what was I saying?

3) I'm sorry for joking about hemorrhoid cream. No really, I am. On the bright side, at least I didn't try to write a poem or a song verse to plug into the story. That would be far more painful to read, trust me. Your brain would need serious exfoliation after that.

4) I'm sorry for my bad habit of mixing up "me" and "my." I really do know the difference--cross me heart and hope...ahem...cross MY heart and hope to die.

5) I'm sorry for my dyslexic tendencies. In the 5th grade, I missed getting 100% on my periodic table test by one question. I put "5" instead of "F" for iron. The teacher made fun of me for such a "stupid" mistake. He was a rat bastard, but fortunately, you are far more understanding. Funny enough, the character I killed off in Ch. F...er...5, bears a striking resemblance to him.

6) I'm sorry for the late nights you spend fixing my mistakes. I feel like I should buy you a monthly subscription to a wine club. Or coffee club. I guess it depends on whether you need to dull the pain, or barrel your way through it.

7) And last but not least, I'm sorry I twitch whenever I read or hear the phrases, "Revise," "Please revise," "Cliche, please revise." and "Not another &*%! cliche!" I'm also sorry you have to type it.

Editors don't get the credit they're due (though they're very popular at writing conferences). With my apology, I'll also extend a heartfelt THANK YOU to the hard working editors out there--especially mine. And for the record, I received my first pass edits BEFORE I wrote this, so this shouldn't be considered a bribe. *cough*

Jess