Let me start this blog by saying I don't diet. Ever. I hate the word, and I hate what it stands for--deprivation. I love food far too much to ever deprive myself of it. Which is laughable, because I have so many food allergies and intolerances, my body has decided to deprive me of enjoying them instead.
I'm allergic to gluten. That's a big one. It's in every processed food you can imagine, and many you wouldn't think about--soda, dressings, anything in a box, chicken, latte syrup, medication and even body products like lotions and makeup. I'm a real drag to go out with because there are very few places I can eat. No beer (which is okay, because I hated it before I knew I was allergic to it), no pizza, no pasta, no fresh-baked breads. Those things I miss.
I also have an intolerance to dairy, broccoli, kiwi, and most other grains. The latest is corn. When your body won't tolerate most grains--including the ones normally used as a gluten substitute--guess what you're left with? Lean protein, nuts and seeds, veggies, fruit, and water. Everything nutritionists say we're supposed to eat.
I crave a cinnamon rolls and ice cream desperately. Corn chowder or pizza. I'd love to go out to dinner with my husband, or enjoy a pastry at a coffee shop. Instead I have to spend hours each week getting creative with modifying recipes. I have to make excuses to well meaning friends and family who want to help, but just don't have a clue how or what I can eat. Some days I don't either. I'd love to eat their cookies/pasta/bread/homemade ice cream, but I can't.
To make matters worse, two of my three kids have the same food issues along with a few of their own. School is a nightmare. I've made more than one teacher mad after blowing a gasket because they gave my child a treat that made her sick. Birthday parties and family get togethers are horribly stressful. Some relatives even try to sneak food to my kids when I'm not looking. It's a tough thing to live with. And let me also say we're very thankful to not be deathly allergic to these foods. My heart goes out to families who deal with the threat of anaphylactic shock.
I love eating healthy. This isn't much different than how I was eating before. But I miss the occasional treat. A lot. I'd love to have the luxury of cheating on a cookie or scone. Or half a pizza. When I hear someone complain about their current diet, I have to bite my tongue. Hard. I wish I could savor a cheat meal without getting sick.
Ah, well... I can't change it, so I roll with it. I'm currently in love with my crock pot. I throw in a bunch of stuff I can eat, add my fave herbs and spices, and I can trick myself into believing it's a cheat meal. Sure it's a far cry from Chinese take out or a juicy burger, but I'll take what I can get. My next goal is to find someone to do the dishes. *winks*
What's your biggest food complaint?
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Things You Should Never Say To A Writer
Until I became a writer, I had no idea how mysterious the profession was for non-writers. For the most part, I'm happy to answer questions. I try to be gracious, but there are always a few people who throw out the most bizarre comments/questions you could imagine. They always take me by surprise, but I've crafted my responses to actual comments below with a little tongue-in-cheek humor:
1) How much do you make? I think this one makes the list for obvious reasons. I will happily tell you what I make if you'd like to whip out your tax returns from the last three years along with your debt to income ratio, current credit card statements, and balance of your checking and saving accounts. What? You don't want to because that's too personal? Huh. Go figure.
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2) Will you use me as a character? No. Because you're not that interesting. None of us are. That's why I write fiction. As I've mentioned previously, the only exception to this is if you make me angry.
3) It must be so nice to work from home. Um...sometimes it is. Actually go ahead and say this to a writer. Unless they have a day job, which most do. If that's the case, you should say, "Wow, you find time to write on top of a 40 hour a week job? That's amazing." Because it really is. Please don't follow it with anything related to ignoring their children.
4 & 5) Publishing must be easy, right? Followed quickly by, I should write a book. Sure it's easy. For those of us who can write. Just like singing is easy for those who have an amazing set of pipes. Or being a first draft NBA pick is easy for guys with phenomenal basketball skills. Writers work hard to master the art of story telling. Anyone who tells you it's easy is a liar.
6) Can't you stop writing long enough for the BBQ (movie/camping trip/meeting/etc.)? Absolutely. As soon as you clear it with my editor, publisher, publicist, and the other people waiting for me to make my deadline. Also, next time you have a big project due at work, I want you to skip it so we can get a mani/pedi and a latte. Sound good?
7) Said with a sneer, You write romance (urban fantasy/YA/books about Bigfoot)? Why yes, I do. Tell me again why you sell nuts and screws for a living/sit on a tractor/make sandwiches/defend criminals/answer phones/draw blood? To each their own, my friend.
8) Will you recommend my book to your agent/editor/publisher? Nope. For two reasons. First, I have no idea how well or how poorly you write. When you ask me for a recommendation, you're asking me to put my reputation on the line. Second, published writers busted their butts to get where they are. Earn your own stripes. I'll happily recommend books and websites for you to get started.
9) Can I have a copy of your book? Of course. Feel free to purchase it at the nearest bookstore or online. I appreciate your support. Oh, you wanted a free copy? Wow, so do I. Guess we're both out of luck. Wait, don't you work on a car lot? How about I'll buy you a copy of my book, and you get me a newer car. Deal?
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10) How do you do your research? *wink, nudge* My ideas and research are all done via immaculate conception, of course. Wait, that's not a real thing in writing? *Sigh* I have a fertile...virile...er...*grabs thesaurus*...abundant imagination. I'm a story teller. The details are important, so I research. The process is no different than the research you'd do for your latest investment/surgery/machinery. Don't be crude.
11) How did so-and-so writer get a book deal? Their writing sucks. Good question. Go ask their editor and agent, and be sure to tell them that you think the author sucks. You should also ask the thousands--or millions--of fans who bought the book. By the way, disgruntled writers are easy to spot. Instead of insulting another writer, why don't you focus on getting your own book deal?
And that, my friends, is a brief list of things you should never say to a writer. Did I miss any?
1) How much do you make? I think this one makes the list for obvious reasons. I will happily tell you what I make if you'd like to whip out your tax returns from the last three years along with your debt to income ratio, current credit card statements, and balance of your checking and saving accounts. What? You don't want to because that's too personal? Huh. Go figure.
3) It must be so nice to work from home. Um...sometimes it is. Actually go ahead and say this to a writer. Unless they have a day job, which most do. If that's the case, you should say, "Wow, you find time to write on top of a 40 hour a week job? That's amazing." Because it really is. Please don't follow it with anything related to ignoring their children.
4 & 5) Publishing must be easy, right? Followed quickly by, I should write a book. Sure it's easy. For those of us who can write. Just like singing is easy for those who have an amazing set of pipes. Or being a first draft NBA pick is easy for guys with phenomenal basketball skills. Writers work hard to master the art of story telling. Anyone who tells you it's easy is a liar.
6) Can't you stop writing long enough for the BBQ (movie/camping trip/meeting/etc.)? Absolutely. As soon as you clear it with my editor, publisher, publicist, and the other people waiting for me to make my deadline. Also, next time you have a big project due at work, I want you to skip it so we can get a mani/pedi and a latte. Sound good?
7) Said with a sneer, You write romance (urban fantasy/YA/books about Bigfoot)? Why yes, I do. Tell me again why you sell nuts and screws for a living/sit on a tractor/make sandwiches/defend criminals/answer phones/draw blood? To each their own, my friend.
8) Will you recommend my book to your agent/editor/publisher? Nope. For two reasons. First, I have no idea how well or how poorly you write. When you ask me for a recommendation, you're asking me to put my reputation on the line. Second, published writers busted their butts to get where they are. Earn your own stripes. I'll happily recommend books and websites for you to get started.
9) Can I have a copy of your book? Of course. Feel free to purchase it at the nearest bookstore or online. I appreciate your support. Oh, you wanted a free copy? Wow, so do I. Guess we're both out of luck. Wait, don't you work on a car lot? How about I'll buy you a copy of my book, and you get me a newer car. Deal?
11) How did so-and-so writer get a book deal? Their writing sucks. Good question. Go ask their editor and agent, and be sure to tell them that you think the author sucks. You should also ask the thousands--or millions--of fans who bought the book. By the way, disgruntled writers are easy to spot. Instead of insulting another writer, why don't you focus on getting your own book deal?
And that, my friends, is a brief list of things you should never say to a writer. Did I miss any?
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